@PolishWonder79

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

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@Social_Mime

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

@Yes_ImAmy

Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

@novicefather

Bro. It’s not ladies man, it’s ladies’ man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.

@bush_piglet

Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.

@junejuly12

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

@ceejoyner

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

@eedrk

(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world

@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.