Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
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But it’s not the “worst way” either…
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it