I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
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Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Bro. It’s not ladies man, it’s ladies’ man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.
Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*
[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world
– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.