Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
sry
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.