Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.