Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

quarantine day 3

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married