Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*