Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
this is the news I live for
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
This joke is 7 years old
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.