Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is what makes twitter great

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

Finished stitching this today 😇

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

back to work

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now