Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
become ungovernable
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest