Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

We need more people like this.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?