“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
You are what you delete.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.