“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory