Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family