Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

The legends were true

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.