Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…