Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.