Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Check out the legs on this baby

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..