Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.