Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

My love language is deader than Latin

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Facebook memories be like

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Get in loser we’re going crying

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.