Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

when a toddler tells a story

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Breaking news:

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea