Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.