Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

My dad’s son is like a brother to me.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.