Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I like long walks away from everyone
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT