Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Ironic
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.