I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
W: “they’re running along side the car”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled “the meaning of dreams”.