Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”