@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

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@The_KJM

I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.

@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

@withanewname

Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
Me: “why?”
W:
M:
W: “they’re running along side the car”

@jsam1126

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

@imallwritecom

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

@LeBearGirdle

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

@TweetPotato314

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

@sixthformpoet

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

@laurajaylovette

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

@RamblingMachine

I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled “the meaning of dreams”.