Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha