sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
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being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
placebo pills? more like sike meds
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I have taken up painting
