sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?