sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
The smoothest fall of all time
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Encore…
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude