sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
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If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I try
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.