sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Grandpa
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.