sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon