Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

there’s probably a fee though

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.