sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra