Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

when you are just born a rebel

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.