sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?