sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
i now pronounce you bounced.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla