Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

This came to me in a dream.

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead