Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
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If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
!!!!!!!!!!!
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.