Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
i did the math
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.