Quarantine Level: Expert
“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.