@ruinedpicnic

“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
“Thank y-”
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]

You Might Also Like

@megankcomedy

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

@dannyboy7813

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

@Birdhumms

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.

@weinerdog4life

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

@carlyken

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.