“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?