Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.