“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.