Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
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Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.