Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.