Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Always 🥴
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*seductively corrects your posture*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*