Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
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People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”