Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

🤣✨#caturday

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces