Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
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My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes