Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.