Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Sniffing the broccoli

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.