Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down