sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
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[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
bugs when you lift up a rock
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”