Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.