Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.