Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee