Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.