Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?