Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Extremely relatable.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.