Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

January is lasting longer than my marriage

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.