Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Lube but for my dry humor.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct