@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

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@junejuly12

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

@TheBoydP

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

@InternetHippo

*clicks on video called How to Cut a Pineaple* This is what I need

Video (32:56): The pineapple first appeared in South America over 500 ye

@WilliamRodgers

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

@aeharder

The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.

@pixelatedboat

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

@illiter8too

Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.

@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?

@Book_Krazy

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me