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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.


DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]


Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.


*clicks on video called How to Cut a Pineaple* This is what I need

Video (32:56): The pineapple first appeared in South America over 500 ye



Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…


The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.


To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:



Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.


Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?


*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me