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when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
when you are just born a rebel
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Seas the day!!!!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?