Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I would move hell over six inches for you
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again