Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
You Might Also Like
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.