Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

I can also cook 😂

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

This is so wrong 😂

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs