Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
For anyone who needs this today
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
This is a bad sign
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”