Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly