Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.