Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
problems i need
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
how long have you had this for?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
