Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
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My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high