Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.