Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.