Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
#oldknees
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
🤣😈🤣
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
