Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.