Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Brb my Sims are getting married
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮