Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.